I have had the unique experience of going back to the places where I felt the most hate, the most pain, and the most suffering. Although I did come here willingly, my mind was in shambles with all of the arguments that were running through my head. I do not know how to comprehend what I am going through.
I do not feel anything. I do not feel happy, sad, depressed, scary, I just do not feel safe or secure. It is not fear though. I am at such a loss for words. What am I feeling. I desperately do not want to rest here, but I am so desperately tired. I do not wish to give in, and allow those who have oppressed me the comfort in knowing that I made myself so vulnerable, to the point that I would rest in their dwelling.
It is clear to me that I have yet to move on. I have not achieved closure. Now this is not real news to me, but it is just something that I have not thought about in a while. And now, it has sprung up in my face with absolute clarity, and definition. What to do? What to do?
I desperately wish to leave, but due to social customs, I am trapped. I can’t even write clearly. I can’t do anything as myself right now. Why can I not help myself right now? So confused.
I will continue tomorrow, and see how things go.
I think this was a good way to show my weaknesses, and to show you guys, my readers, how vulnerable I can be, and how I am not the moving tank of self improvement that my blog may portray.
I wanted to show you guys that I have weaknesses, and that I have a lot of them. And some of them can really debilitate me, and keep me out of the ring.
But the important thing is that you know your weaknesses so that you can combat them. In order to fix a chink in the armor, you have to know where the hole is first. And this is that first step.
You have to know yourself.