Today’s post will be a lot different than my other posts. This post will not be written by me. Instead, I have invited a close friend of mine to write a post on a subject that we have talked numerous amount of times. It is difficult but necessary conversation, and I realized that he would be a much better source than I. The subject is suicide.
As you will read, my friend has waltzed with death on several occasions, and I believe that you will gain a lot out of his experience. I just want to thank my friend again for opening up the amount that he did. He has put in so much effort into the details, and it just makes everything so much more valuable.
Anyways, that’s enough from me, enjoy~
I’ve attempted to take my life more times than I want to admit.
I remember laughing about it with some close friends years after all of it sort of blew over, saying “Damn I really suck at killing myself.” It seems messed up out of context, but really the laughter was sighs of relief.
I grew up under first generation Korean parents, who would constantly tell me of their struggles coming to a new nation and adopting a different culture. This led to a fear that my struggles were inadequate compared to those my parents went through. A fear that I wasn’t worthy to say that I know what pain and suffering is because I didn’t go through what they went through. So I kept all of it in.
Every single day, another curse, as I dragged around the growing weight of my emotions. And when that weight became too much for me, I struggled to tell anyone because I was afraid of being judged. I didn’t want to be categorized as another “angsty teen” who wants attention. Even my faith, which I had grown up in for my entire life, told me the depression I dealt with was wrong, and that committing suicide was punished by eternity in Hell.
The struggle of keeping the loneliness, the anger, the pain to myself was only exacerbated by the constant pressure to put up the same facade with each passing day. The pressure to act when someone tells you how selfish suicide is, because “you’re not thinking about how others feel,” or how cowardly it is because it’s “too easy.”
I mean, of course.
How selfish of me to feel the way I did. How selfish of me to choose to live in a constant hell. I didn’t care to argue, because I began to agree with them. But I was beyond caring. I didn’t care that I might be selfish. I didn’t even care that I could go to Hell. I just wanted out. All my anxiety and stress evaporated into peaceful bliss as I made the ultimate decision to take my own life.
To me, it was a way to laugh at the face of all those who called me selfish. To see if they’d still say that I was selfish after I was gone. The thought of all their faces when they realized the weight of their words made me giddy. I remember the night of my first attempt clearly. It was a Wednesday and I was home alone. My parents were out and wouldn’t be coming home anytime soon. I tied a messy noose with a belt I found in my drawer after looking up a quick tutorial on tying nooses on wikihow.
I expected my hands to be shaky from either fear or excitement, or a mixture of the two, but I found that I was still. My hands seemed to move on their own while my mind was blank. I pulled up a rolling chair, so it’d be easy to kick out, and tied the makeshift noose to the door closer on my room door. Everything was in place and I took my position in the deadly contraption.
Before I could reconsider the gravity of what I was about to do, I slid the chair out from under me and let myself fall. For a few seconds, everything was horribly fine. Then in a brief flash, something loud snapped above me and I painfully slammed into the ground. The door closer had snapped under my weight. After realizing that I had failed, while lying on the floor, gasping, I felt a sudden flood of emotions. In hindsight, whether it was divine intervention or a matter of rusty screws, it was a blessing nonetheless.
But during the moment, I was filled with emotions and questions.
“Why had this happened?”
My previously blank and calmly composed hand crumbled as I laid on the cold tile ground, and tears rolled down my face. Whether they were tears of joy because I had survived, or frustration that I had failed, I still can’t say.
I wish that I could say I learned my lesson after this attempt, that I realized how terrible of a thing suicide was and is, but I went on to try it again a week later. I kept trying because no matter what, I thought, immediately after the attempt, how grateful I was to be alive, and the next day, I was to return to the ordinary life that I hated so much.
To this day, I don’t know why I ever stopped trying. Whether it was a recovery in mental and emotional health, or just the embarrassment of the failed attempts, I am grateful for it. And while I have long stopped trying, every now and then, I have considered taking my life again. Ultimately, I learned that it’s a matter of control. Control of your emotions and control of what you take to heart. If you are going to contemplate taking your own life, make sure it is not influenced by the actions or words of other people.
Of course, it’s better to not have a reason for suicide in the first place, but in this imperfect society, that is not always possible. Through critical analysis of the reasons to take your life, one will often find that many of the reasons are temporary. Perhaps it’s cliche, but a quote I believe holds a lot of truth is that,
"Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem."
This too shall pass. Whether for the better or worse, change is the only constant in life, and so your life can be drastically different over the span of a year. To me personally, it’s entirely terrifying, yet thrilling to think I can be somewhere completely different in such a short time. I could be experiencing new wonders with brilliant people and learning from the few scrapes I do receive. But that’s life. You trade blows getting hurt to improve yourself with each passing day and suicide is tapping out before the match results are even announced.
I hope you guys enjoyed the post. I have written on suicide a lot, you can look at the recommended blog posts below.
I have also released a video on depression, you can watch it here~
If you’re struggling with depression, the most important thing you can do is reach out, and do not stop reaching out. If you haven’t found the person that will listen to you, and make you feel better, do not give up. Keep reaching out. Keep fighting. You always have a choice. Choose to grow and get better.
To life, Cheers
If you want a quick tip to help you fight depression, watch this video~