Depression: The Feeling of True Hopelessness, and how I got over it

This blog post was not planned, I already wrote a blog post today, but I realized  I had some time, and this just got me thinking about my past.


I was routinely kicked out of my house, and so I was routinely homeless.

  1. The first time I got kicked out what when I was around 5-7 years old. I got kicked out in nothing but my underwear, and I was forced to be by myself at night as a toddler. It was one of the scariest, most scarring moments of my life.
  2. The Second time came when I was in elementary school. I had poor grades in school, and this was a big no-no in my household(stereotypical Asian family), and things escalated in the third grade, and I found myself walking on a side-walk, alone, with nothing but a roller-backpack. At least I had clothes this time. This time wasn’t so bad, because I was told to come back pretty soon.
  3. The third time did not come until much later, this happened in high school, around my freshmen year. The physical and verbal abuse had stopped for a while, and then they spiked way back up. I was getting hit, told the worst and most hurtful things, things that will stick with me forever. And then, it happened again, I was kicked out. I found myself looking for soft bushes, clean benches, places to sleep. I was scared.
  4. The following 2 years, I was probably kicked out at least 4-6 times. By this time I had friends to depend on, and so, I had a place to stay the majority of the time. God bless them, for they provided the support that I needed to remain sane.
  5. Then comes the summer vacation before my senior year. For the first time in my life, I start to fight for myself. I talk back, and I defend my being. Things escalated, and then he started throwing fists, and then I started throwing fists, and then my mother separated us, and I was obviously told to leave. And so I left. I walked three hours to my friends house to find out that he was not there. My phone was cut off, I was wearing a wife beater and shorts. I had not water, no food, no working phone, and no money.
    And within three days, I expended my list of friends that I could depend on, and so I was truly homeless. I slept on benches, bushes, and baseball pits(good place to protect you from the cold wind). And this is where everything ties together.

 


One night, I was laying on a park bench, and looked up into the night sky. There was no roof over my head, no imaginary sense of security from a couple feet of wood. I felt truly hopeless. I did not know what to do. I had no support, and I was utterly lost. I was depressed. I felt like there was nothing I could do, and that if I did try anything, I was bound to fail, and this was because, for the most part of my life, it was true. Any time I tried to make the situation better, I would be met with rage and abuse. Now, I can’t tell you the whole story here, but I can tell you this, “It gets better. So much better”.

 

I can’t tell you how happy I am. I grew so much from that experience, and I wouldn’t trade what I’ve learned for the world. But if you are depressed, here are some few tips that helped me, and maybe could help you.

 

  1. Work Out
    This is something that will not only make you look and feel good, but you will also have a small win, something that you accomplished. You got a work out done. It makes the load a little lighter, and yourself, a little brighter.
  2. Journal
    Write down your thoughts. Put your thoughts on paper, and you will see the thought patterns that make you think a certain way. Once you see those patterns, you can notice them without the journal in your daily life, and this just makes the battle much easier. Depression is a vicious cycle of negativity that builds on the negative thoughts before it.
  3. Take responsibility
    You are not depressed because someone hurt you, you are depressed because you allow them to hurt you. No one can make you feel anything. It is all about how you interpret what happens to you, and if you allow yourself to feel bad, then it is ultimately your fault. I am not going to baby anybody, grow up, deal with it, and become a better person.
  4. Read
    Read every self-help book that you can. Anything by Tony Robbins is gold. Figure out who you are, and who you want to be. And make sure to be specific, goals fail when they are general because there is no guideline to measure that success. If you want more about how to make effective goals, read this.
  5. Laugh
    Stop taking yourself so seriously. Watch a funny movie. Joke with some friends. Do whatever you can to lighten your day, even if it’s only a little.

 

I am so happy now. I have made great friends, had the craziest jobs, and in turn some crazy stories, and I have some of the best experiences of my life because I was homeless. I have become a better, and more resilient person because of everything I have been through. I know you can too.


I am not a professional, and none of this can be considered to be medical advice. If it gets too serious please try to get professional help. You can also call the numbers below.

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

 

Sorry for the morose post, but somethings need to be said. You can’t run away from things, just because they make you feel uncomfortable.

 

Here’s to you,

-Sam

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